Culture of Hoops

Lost NFL Conversations: Oakland Raiders

Image courtesy of Jeffrey Beall/Flickr.

Image courtesy of Jeffrey Beall/Flickr.

Every year my buddy Ben and I talk football when the Super Bowl is long since over. We talk about the schedule ahead, the free agent market, the draft, and all things that revolve around our teams. One thing we always kid with one another about is the amazingly ridiculous things that must be said inside the front offices of teams, in meetings between coaches, GMs, and owners. We often take haphazard guesses at such conversations. Here is one such guess for the Oakland Raiders. Note: Any and all of the below conversation is fictional. Any correlation between this conversation and real life events is circumstantial and hilarious.

Mark Davis (MD) – Jack, great to have you on board here in Oakland. I tell you, we’re happy to have a head coach with some experience leading our young group of players into 2015.

Jack Del Rio (JDR) – Well thank you, Mr. Davis. That means a lot.

MD – Please, Jack, Mr. Davis was my father, call me Satan Jr.

JDR – OK??? Anyway, this team has some promising young talent, and given a good draft and some key free agent acquisitions I’m sure I can turn it into a winner.

MD – Whoa there, Jackie Boy! Let’s not get carried away now. The Raiders have a long-standing tradition…

JDR – I am aware of the lineage of the Raiders, Satan Jr.

MD – … of losing!

JDR – What?! Am I to believe that you brought me here to lose?

MD – No, no, no, no, no! Well yes. You see, you have to win some games. Two or three seems to be sufficient to keep fans coming back. But if you become too good people will start to expect more from you, and also its not in line with how we’ve done things here for ages. We overpay for players that are past their prime and don’t fit our system well, and then we suffer as a result.

JDR – Sir, if we change that mindset maybe we can win a few more games. In a few years I might even be able to get us back to the playoffs. You have to trust me to do my job.

MD – And you have to trust me to do my job. Which is to be the next in line to the throne of the seventh circle of hell, and fire coaches that show any signs of breathing life into this team. Why do you think Tony Sporano got the ax?

JDR – I assumed it was because he hadn’t done enough with the team in his limited time as head coach.

MD – Not at all, he did too much! He won three games and we were hoping for an 0-16 season. Why should Detroit be the only city with those honors?

JDR – You do understand that this “achievement” is not something a team should aspire to?

MD – You do understand that the fans of Oakland will cling to any achievement, good or bad, the way a hell-spawn clings to their pitchfork?

JDR – Touché!

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