Culture of Hoops

Juiced: The All Steroid League

Image courtesy of  J (

Image courtesy of J (

The NFL, NHL, MLB, and NBA have all had various athletes fail their various performance-enhancing drug screening tests over the last few years. In the lead up to UFC 183 both Anderson Silva and Nick Diaz failed their drugs tests as headlines of the card. It seems as though the sport doesn’t matter, athletes are looking to use any form of an edge they can to win.

I have a radical idea that could create additional money for all these leagues. Create steroid mirror leagues! Think about it! Think about a league full of players so juiced up they barely remember the rules. Think about a league where throwing 100 miles per hour makes you an average pitcher. Just think about it, oh why won’t you think about it? Oh, you are thinking about it?! Good!

Image courtesy of Mike Licht/Flickr.

Image courtesy of Mike Licht/Flickr.

Here is the basic premise: A player entering a league draft must declare for either the Standard League or the Steroid League. Draft positions are based on how that team finished in the previous years standings by league. For the first year each teams mirror equivalent can use the positioning of their Standard League counterpart. We’ll assume all players in the Steroid league will make league minimum money as per the Standard League for the first two years until the economics of the league are understood. Clubs may choose to extend players for more at their own risk.

Players wishing to join the steroid league as free agents may declare to do so. There are to be no drug tests in the Steroid league, players may use or not use as they see fit. Players in the Standard league caught using performance-enhancing drugs are immediately sent to the team’s Steroid league counterpart. Those players must request and pass two consecutive drugs tests in order to return to the Standard League. The number of drug tests required to return doubles each time a player fails in the Standard league. Players be sent to the Steroid league mid-season will make league minimum money during there time with the team and forfeit any additional salary owed to them from the Standard league. Steroid league affiliates are not obligated to play any player arriving to them mid-season from the Standard League.

To me this creates the best situation for everyone. For the fans that just want to see insane strength and speed you have a venue for that. For players that think this is the only way they can make it, here is your chance to prove it. For players that get caught cheating, or just happen to make a mistake you have a team environment to practice in and even play in to ensure you don’t come back to the game rusty. It’s almost like having a secondary farm team or practise squad, if the farm was full of genetically mutated animals. My point is this; it seems as though players are going to experiment with this science as much as they can, why not give them a safe/regulated venue to do it? Why not see what the scientific world can achieve when it comes to athleticism? I’d tune in to watch, would you?

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