Baller Mind Frame

Made-Up Awards: NFL Edition

Image courtesy of  Parker Anderson/Flickr.

Image courtesy of Parker Anderson/Flickr.

The NFL MUAs have a long and noble history, dating back to five minutes ago when I came up with this concept. The honor and prestige that comes with these awards doesn’t exist. Speeches of thanks and appreciation are pointless, you earned these awards.

The Oscar: The award for the person most likely to be a miserable grouch and live in a trash can next season. The Oscar goes to … Rex Ryan, for his horrible “coaching” of the New York Jets and laughable press conference persona following the games. A season or two away from head coaching will do Rex a lot of good. It will give him time to get that stench off his collection of vests. All the vests are green, making the Oscar all the more fitting.

The Granny: Awarded to the person most resembling a grandmother in their disposition toward the game. The Grammy goes to … Aaron Rodgers. While his statement to the Green Bay Packers fans to “R-E-L-A-X” was prophetic, it didn’t come without its fair share of criticism. It’s not that Rodgers doesn’t care, it’s that he is calm—old-person calm. Rodgers did not comment on the award, as he had a mouthful of mushed prunes.

The Chemmy: Awarded to the person who has the most ridiculous chemicals swimming in his system. The Chemmy goes to …Wes Welker. While Welker denies ever taking anything related to ecstasy, the chemical formula still appeared on a drug test. It’s not performance enhancing, but the league frowns upon players doing anything illegal. My only thought here is that someone slipped it to Welker to make him more fun, or that Welker needed it to stomach all the Peyton Manning commercials. “Is the chicken parm eating Peyton Manning?” We can only dream.

The Phony: To the player who has created the biggest ruse regarding his talents. The Phony goes to … Geno Smith. Geno has done an amazing job of pretending to be an NFL quarterback for a season and a half now, and while it appears as though people are figuring out his performance isn’t as stellar as the draft reviews predicted, the investment the New York Jets made in him forces the team to cling to a shred of hope that there really is an actual quarterback in there somewhere. Peyton Manning is a quarterback, Geno Smith plays one on TV.

The Golden Explode: To the person whose idiocy cost him the most money. The Golden Explode goes to … Ray Rice. Rice lost out on over $10 million in salary and may never play in the NFL again. I hope you saved some money Ray, the forecast for income is looking pretty dry going forward.

People’s Choice: This award should be the result of a collective vote of millions of people deciding which player they want to see go away the most. Since I lack the time or resources to collect this information, the People’s Choice award goes to … Michael Vick. Can we not be done with you already?! You’re in as a backup, then you’re out. You’re a starter, then you’re on the bench. You’re like a scratched vinyl record; even when you do play it’s rough. Do everyone a favor and walk away from the game. Be glad that a horrible legal issue that will forever taint your status as an innovator at the quarterback position will not forever overshadow your career. Or be glad that after that horrible legal issue someone was dumb enough to hand you another $100 million contract. Yeah, we’re done here.

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