Would Someone Please: Super Bowl Edition

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Would someone please find a way to make sure Richard Sherman is healthy for the Super Bowl? No knock on the rest of the Seattle Seahawk defenders, but for this team to have a shot he has to be able to play at his highest level. No more of this “I’m going to beat you with one arm clutched to my chest because it hurts me to move it” nonsense from the NFC Championship game.

Would someone please tell Bill Belichick that sleeves exist? I know it’s your style Bill. You’re trying to make the sleeveless hoodie into a horrible fashion trend like the mullet or the piano tie. I get that this concept is more important to you than video taping policies or ball pressure but buddy, this doesn’t have to be your legacy with the league. Your bust in Canton is only from your neck up. Now if you somehow found a way to get a fedora worked in like Tom Landry did, then you’d be on to something.

Would someone please remind the Seattle Seahawks that the New England Patriots don’t need assistance in getting motivated to play this game? Deflategate, Seattle being favored, and Sherman running his mouth have all added fuel to a fire that was burning hotter than a blow torch sitting on the surface of an exploding star. You want to poke the bear and show him you’re not afraid, I get it. Don’t poke the bear in the eye with a pointy stick with dog poop on the end of it. It’s just not smart.

Would someone please find some love for the Seahawks in Arizona? I get that you’re the home town of the bitter division rival Arizona Cardinals, but booing Seahawk players in attendance at the Pro Bowl (and aren’t playing because they are playing next week in the Super Bowl) is sort of like being mad at your neighbor who’s taking your crush to the prom. You don’t have to like them, but respect that they pulled off something you didn’t. When you act like a jerk, no one will feel sorry for you if you end up in the same place. You need to play it smooth so you can pull off the “It’s ok baby, he was never good enough for you anyway” line later.

Would someone please make sure that Katy Perry doesn’t have any kind of wardrobe malfunction? You really want to see something break the Internet, then get one of the items covering Katy Perry to fall off during this year’s halftime show. The over use of social media might just cause a partial blackout in the stadium. That is a New Orleans thing, Arizona; find your own epic infrastructure failure.

Would someone please bet money on the game starting with an onside kick? Both sets of coaches are crazy, in the certifiable, would-eat-their-own-hands-for-an-increase-chance-of-winning kind of way. Both teams would have their rational chances even if they don’t recover. The Patriots would be okay with Seattle getting the ball that quick as their offense typically takes time to get going. The Seahawks would have faith in their defense to hold the Patriots on a short field. Either way, I could see this being the perfect “kick-off” to Super Bowl XLIX.