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The Bachelor In Paradise Villain Rankings

While I was watching The Bachelor In Paradise this past Monday, my Dad, who isn’t nearly as into the show as my Mom or myself are, said pretty bluntly “I think whoever doesn’t cry should win.” Now of course, BIP isn’t a competition in the traditional sense, so “winning” isn’t too cut and dry. For some people, winning would be finding love. For others it’s having as much sex as possible and not obtaining an STD. Regardless, when you’re living on an island and you’re surrounded by a bunch of other crazies, it’s natural to get caught up in the heat of the moment and let some tears flow from time to time. Keeping your emotions in check is especially tough when you’re living with … overly dramatic pause … villains!

Yes, this seemingly upbeat program has it’s fair share of villains, and that was never more so on display than during the two Week 2 episodes where there were 154 instances (all numbers are approximate) where contestants cried because of the actions of someone engaging in some sort of villainous act. Today, in Baller Mind Frame’s official BIP Power Rankings I’m going to be taking a look at and sorting out who the biggest villain on the island is. First, I’ll separate the contestants into three categories: Not Villains, Kind of Villains and Full Blown Villains.

Not Villains

Tenley could be considered a villain by some because she “led on” three different guys in the last episode. I say she’s doing exactly what she should be doing. She should be trying to get her hands on as many guys as possible before she makes her choice. Don’t get mad because she’s sampling a few different items from the mediocre dude buffet on the island.

Michael came onto the island late this week and had his sights set on Tenley. He took her on a date where they walked on water (really, they just walked on a wet floor) and danced. How did Tenley respond? By snubbing Michael and instead giving her rose to Joshua, another new guy. You kinda have to feel bad for Michael. The only way he comes out of this looking like a villain is if he shits on the floor and cusses out Tenley when the Rose Ceremony concludes on next weeks episode. And even then, that’s a boss way to go out.

Is Juelia a villain for leaving her daughter for a second time to try to find love on a television show? Let the debate begin!

Dan already established himself as a nice guy when he went to the hospital with Ashley S., and Ashley S. probably doesn’t even realize she’s on a television show. Not villains.

Mikey T. isn’t a villain. He’s a blowhard, but there isn’t anything inherently villainous about him. You can be a blowhard and not be villainous. You can also be villainous but not be a blowhard. They don’t go hand-in-hand.

Jonathan isn’t a villain, although the villain in Bad Boys 3 should dress how he was dressed during the rose ceremony last week. Black vest and Red Pants … super fly!

Kirk will be the greatest villain in world history if he breaks the heart of the coolest chick on the island, Carly. Tanner will be the greatest fool in world history if he breaks Jade‘s heart, but he would be a hero for every other single man on the planet who is pretending he has a shot with Jade. I think Carly is way too cool to be maliciously villainous. She could be one of those cool villains if she really tried. Jade could join ISIS and I’d still love her. She’s not a villain ever.

Kind of Villains

Jared

Only included because it takes a villain to know a villain, and unquestionable villain J.J. claimed that Jared took his Villain Championship when he asked Clare out on a one-on-one date instead of returning the favor to Ashley I., who extended the same sort of invitation to Jared in the previous episode. I don’t think what Jared did was wrong. Like I said when I was discussing Tenley’s situation, Jared is simply sampling from the buffet and we shouldn’t criticize him for that. In fact, I have a personal story that kinda sorta applies to this situation:

Back when I was in fifth grade I used to be quite a lothario, and one time we had this school dance in our lunchroom. I was riding solo at the time and I made that decision in the days leading up to the dance that I would just ask all of the cutest girls if they wanted to dance with me. That’s exactly what I did, and every single one of them cried when they found out they weren’t the only one I asked.

Did that make me a villain? Maybe. In all likelihood, it just makes me an idiot because I wasn’t able to forecast the reactions of a bunch of upset fifth and sixth grade girls. In Jared’s case, he might be an idiot because he couldn’t forecast that a bunch of lunatics on Bachelor In Paradise would overreact to an even slightly controversial date choice.

The Iaconetti Sisters

Lauren was far more villainous than her sister Ashley, and I use the word “was” rather than “is” because Lauren admitted to missing the guy who has essentially made her his side-piece back at home and decided to leave the show. Good riddance. She had an ugly cry face and didn’t bring anything good to the table. Ashley’s cry face is just as bad as her sisters, if not worse, and she’s a huge complainer. She monopolizes a ton of camera time, cries incessantly and doesn’t seem remotely fun or humorous. Other than that she’s great.

Full Blown Villains 

Joe 

Joe’s villainous acts can’t be glanced over in a summary column like this one. He needs his own multiple thousand word investigative feature, and that’s exactly what I’ll be doing next week. #JoeMadeHimHisBitch

Clare

Unequivocally crazy and vindictive. She’s the worst type of villain in real life; someone who will just keep pushing the envelope until you verbally strike back, and then she plays the victim. She cried four times in the last episode and blamed it on someone else each time. At some point you just need to come to realization that you’re batshit crazy and that’s the problem. Clare probably hit that point seven years ago, only she didn’t get the hint.
With all of that said, I really hope she doesn’t leave the show, as was teased at the end of last episode. She’s a fantastic television villain. She called out the intentions of the other contestants on the show (a surefire way to cement your villain status) and when she eventually hooks up with J.J., falls in love with him too quick, gets too clingy and then cries when he backs off, it’s going to be a watershed moment in Bachelor In Paradise history.

J.J.

J.J. came to the island with a huge target on his back and seemingly no way to improve his villain stock, but somehow he’s doing just that. He assumed he had a relationship wrapped up with Tenley after he gave her his rose during the premiere episode, but then Joshua showed up, swooped in and stole her away. Naturally, J.J. was oozing with confidence and dismissed the idea that Joshua could steal his girl. In a span of 90 seconds J.J. compares Joshua to a blind squirrel and an armless man with a grenade in his mouth, and capped that off by saying, “There’s a reason Josh doesn’t have sex that often. And there’s a reason why I’m more successful on that front.” Wow! Just imagine how much swag he’d have if he didn’t have that God awful tattoo on his arm.

Joshua

It was a curious episode for Joshua, someone who I pegged as a bit of a simpleton before he arrived in paradise. It turns out Joshua has a Hula Girl tattoo on his leg (which I’m not criticizing, because I have a tattoo of a smiling bumblebee on my leg) and has quite a history with the use of Molly. Not once, but twice did Joshua engage in conversations related to poppin’ Molly and sweatin’ while in Las Vegas. This was a big red flag for Tenley, but Joshua dodged her questions and danced around the question and still received a rose. Look, I’m not saying Joshua and Trinidad James are the same person, but have you ever seen them in the same place at the same time? I didn’t think so.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NK2FqPNIT_U[/youtube]

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