Would Someone Please: NFL Edition

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Would someone please tell the Dallas Cowboys to collapse now and save everyone who happens to be a fan (including myself) the heartache. The loss to the Redskins was bad enough, but you know they are just going to fall apart in January and finish just out of the playoffs, or get smoked in the first round by a teams who’s success isn’t based on smoke and mirrors.

Would someone please tell Kyle Orton that he should find a way to statistically retract his numbers against the New York Jets. Four touchdowns on ten completions isn’t even video game numbers. It just looks like someone screwed up when reviewing this stat line.

Would someone please tell Rex Ryan that he should quit his job as head coach of the New York Jets. I mean, having him show up and collect a paycheck for doing nothing really isn’t fair. Hey Woody Johnson (owner of the Jets), I can do something and I’ll take a quarter of what you’re paying Rex. In fact I will guarantee at least as many wins as Rex has this far for the second half of the season or I’ll give you the money back!

Would someone please tell Ben Roethlisberger that he has to do one thing to get me to think of him as an elite quarterback; change his last name to something I can spell without looking it up every time. The only QB to ever throw for 500 yards twice, he has two super bowl rings, just set the NFL record for touchdown passes in consecutive games and I still can’t spell your name?! It doesn’t have to be “Smith” but how about “Berger” or “Burger”. I’m sure Burger King would pay you handsomely and the ads with you playing at Heinz Field practically invent themselves. Now if you could only find a defender named “Mustard”.

Would someone please tell the New Orleans Saints offense to either be a good team or a bad team. I can’t stand all this flip-flopping. You’re either the offensive juggernaut that we saw rip apart the Green Bay Packers, or you’re the pathetic sad sack of vagrants that lost to the Dallas Cowboys. You are not allowed to have this big a gap in your offensive production week to week. Pick a side and stick with it.

Would someone please tell Roger Goodell that every game in the UK should start at 9:30 EST. I absolutely loved that I could get up in the morning and watch football from 9:30 am until 11:30 pm on Sunday, if I chose to do so. I honestly think I’d prefer to see this format rather than the Thursday night game. In fact give me two games at that time each week, just in case one is a blowout I can flip to the other.