Cradling Deflated Balls: Are the Patriots Wrongly Getting the Shaft?

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Due to a slight brush of referee dissatisfaction, all eyes are now on Tom Brady’s balls.

During the AFC Championship game last Sunday evening, the New England Patriots proved there is more than one way to send a baby horse to the glue factory after they completely dismantled the Indianapolis Colts 45-7. But that’s not what the media is harping about. Are they talking about how the Colts’ defense resembled cheap toilet paper during the entire game? No. Are they talking about the upcoming matchup between the Patriots and the NFC Champions, the Seattle Seahawks in the Super Bowl? No. So what are they focused on?

Balls.

Deflated effing balls.

The Patriots, never a team to blush away from the scorching heat of a useless controversy, have been accused of tampering with game footballs since 11 out of the 12 balls used during the game were not properly inflated. This is familiar sticky territory since head coach Bill Belichick has been accessed of dabbling in the dark art of NFL douche-baggery before. Back in September of 2007, Belichick and his team received some hard repercussions after it was revealed that they illegally videotaped the New York Jets’ defensive coaches signals during a game. Supposedly, Belichick had been engaged in this shifty practice since 2000 and had just assumed he was following NFL protocol because the footage was not used during that same game. This cast a shadow on Belichick’s image as one of the most powerful head coaches in the game because he is, in fact, a known charlatan.

This current scandal has been met with an overcast of mixed emotions: On one end, the sports media has profited from dirtying their knees in order rigorously blow both Belichick and Pats quarterback Tom Brady into a corner with their probing allegations of another cheating incident, thus prompting the NFL to conduct an investigation of the matter at hand. On the other end, the media is being crucified for igniting a social media explosion since they’re obviously handling Ballgazi-Gate as if it was some political scandal.

“My balls are perfect,” Brady said during a torturous press conference that was held on Thursday where he was drilled with numerous questions about whether or not his balls felt soft.

Belichick himself appeared slightly nervous when he held his own press conference. “I was shocked to learn of the news reports about the footballs,” he said. “I had no knowledge of this situation until Monday morning.”

Sure thing, Bill.

Earlier today, the NFL released a statement which said that they have conducted almost 40 interviews thus far regarding the lack of swelling in the Pats balls, and has said that the Patriots are cooperating and making any and all information available upon request. “The goals of the investigation will be to determine the explanation for why footballs used in the game were not in compliance with the playing rules and specifically whether any noncompliance was the result of deliberate action,” the statement read. “We have not made any judgments on these points and will not do so until we have concluded our investigation and considered all the relevant evidence.”

The clouds of suspicion will always hover over the Patriots even if the NFL finds them not guilty of any nefarious wrongdoings, due to the their history of orotund league violations. However, even the Colts don’t believe that the outcome of the game would have been any different had the footballs been properly inflated. Plus, if they had been fully inflated, we wouldn’t have been able to see press conferences like this one.

Or witness ESPN reporter Sal Paolantonio pull crackpot theories conspiracy about Uggs right out of his ass. Yes, Uggs. “Women don’t like cheaters,” Paolantonio said on ‘The Herd’. “And what’s the number one demographic that Tom Brady tries to sell Ugg boots to? Women. Guys don’t go into the mall for a pair of Uggs. Women do. This is clearly motivated because Tom Brady knows – and the people around him know – that his brand is damaged by this. Not only on the football field, but what he sells off the football field.”

What the f**k?

And finally, we wouldn’t be able to witness the utter genius that is clearly this:

Oh, balls.